Please hang in there, gee I could really feel your pain in your last paragraph and I know that for some reason those good memories in the beginning are what we hold on to and try to re-create and it doesn't happen as they progress in their disease, the drug/alcohol takes over the person and you are actually with a different person then before. we are the same loving people we always were but so tortured by the other ones disease that we are hurt repeatedly, time and time again, we go in there and for what, the end result is 100% of the time alcohol and/drugs win unless the addict truly wants recovery and the numbers aren't that great I'm afraid. I felt like I torn apart inside too, you do have courage and strength to get thru this and stick to your plan. I know I had a hard time doing that but finally did, then let him back, then kicked him out...but I still cared and hung in there hoping, hoping, hoping, I was tired, you must be so tired..I wish I could give ya a hug, move forward deal with the broken heart and then find someone else and don't look back, no more pills, lies, drama etc. life is too short. peace m