A quick update: Finally had a *real* talk with RAH about what I'm seeing/feeling/needing, instead of one of those shallow talks, and he said his reluctance what it comes down to is that he's afraid to dive into the old **** because he's afraid of relapsing. This tells me he isn't as confident in his sobriety as he purports to be -- unless he's really just a selfish jerk (which I still doubt). Honestly, I think he's scared of me.
I don't know what to do with that.
I don't want to dive in a wallow around in the "things you did to me" puddle, but I do want to feel heard and feel like he recognizes what we've been through and how to avoid it in the future and set some new ground rules if there is any chance of clearing the air between us and moving forward. It's more complicated than "no drinking" -- a lifetime of old behavior has to be relearned, both of us. In therapy I'm realizing the extent that codependency and controlling behavior rules my family, and how much of an effect my parents' dysfunctional behavior had on me and my sisters and how it's now playing out in our relationships. Therapy is really frustrating for me, because I'm learning all this stuff about myself and my life and how I got from point A to B, but I don't know what to *do* about it. Maybe I need a life coach like Oprah. Ha.
I don't know if I'm just rearranging chairs on the Titanic or what, but I'm not in a good place to make any big decisions. I'm terribly frustrated and sad, but taking solace in the garden, fixing up my old, rickety house, and hanging out with my kids.