I figured I'd resurrect this thread, as it's on the same subject, on my mind again many months later as I slide back into wanting to isolate myself.
The last few months have been rough. I've posted about it here, but to recap, coming on the heels of divorce due to infidelity was a health situation with a child that turned into a month-long ordeal, a 'friend' trashing me on a review site while my child was in the hospital, and the realization that my alcoholic family--parents and siblings--would totally ignore both the divorce and the child in the hospital. They live less than 2 miles away, btw, and are in quite good health. A sibling turned up where I work (in a very public place) right in this time and pretended not to see me.
In addition, someone I've long worked with let me know he was very interested in seeing me now that I'm single, and I'm completely torn betweeen the good aspects of this person and how much I enjoy time with him, and the qualms I'm having about other aspects of the situation.
Lately, I'm overwhelmed by all these things. I find myself avoiding him because, although he'll sympathize, I don't want to become that person who always has a drama. (Oops, too late, I think I am, which is frustrating because none of this was my doing or my decisions.)
I avoid him because I don't feel like pretending everything is great when I have these qualms or these other things going on. But I still have the voice from the past telling me that no one will like me unless I'm good enough, happy enough, pleasant to be around, etc. (Funny that those words came from my mother who had a Ph.D. in Negativity and Complaining.)
I avoid people when I don't feel up to Being Cheerful because I don't want to be my mother.
I avoid him because there are some issues between us and I don't want to confront those or talk about them because I don't believe, deep down, that other people are really open to working things out, hearing how I really feel, or dealing with the less than Cheerful, Happy parts of me.
I avoid other people because deep down, I believe that no one will really accept me unless I'm the one smoothing the waters, making the peace, making the concessions, and being sure everything is okay. I don't believe I'm valuable enough that if I say, "I don't like the way you just treated me," he (or anyone) will find me important enough to do anything about that. I suppose I told my family in the kindest possible way I didn't like how they were treating me, and I see it has led to complete and utter abandonment.
Can anyone relate?