madisonblake

I accidentally posted this on the alcohol page but here goes.........


Well everyone, I think I finally hit MY ROCK BOTTOM! I feel much more at peace today than I have the last three weeks. As some of you had read from my posts, my aexbf and I broke up after a few rotten arguments where I had some issues with feeling like he was lying to me. I spent a year being lied to, manipulated, emotionally abused, lied to, lied to, lied to. He went to rehab after I found more pills in his bag last december, kicked him out of my house and called his parents to let them know what was going on. So, he went to rehab and was out after only 3 weeks.

Everything was going great. We were together every single day. The last few arguments we got into were over my trust issues....well, yes as--hole, I'm going to have some trust issues after the last year of my life of hell with you. After rehab, he was making the right steps, going to meetings, got a sponsor, was being honest, humble, etc. Then I started to feel like something was wrong. He lied about some texts/calls in his phone and then we had a major blow out when I saw his ex drug dealer was continuing to call his phone. I don't want to rehash all details from my previous post but when I asked him why he kept calling him, he raged at me, called me names, got really nasty, turned the whole thing on me. So, I kicked him out of my house again. Clean or sober, I don't want someone in my face screaming at me like that. Clean or sober, I was starting to realize that he was an angry human being who I had to feel like walking on eggshells for. I see that now.

Fast forward to three weeks of no contact. I was having a hard time. Found some of his belongings at my house. Stupid me asks him what he wants me to do with them. (I know this was such a bad move, I should have just thrown them in the garbage, trust me I’ve learned my lesson). I get a pretty nasty response back and a throw them out. I tell him that I was really hurt by all of this and then it just proceeded to rage and more rage via email, about the fact that he is angry I kicked him out, he knows that I’ll never trust him because I kicked him out, manipulating my every thought. No thoughts about the fact that he destroyed trust for a year, I agree to try and make a relationship work and there’s NO work on his part whatsoever to regain trust. The problem is that I kicked him out. Not that he was in my face calling me names and screaming at me.

Anyway, I stooped to the lowest level I have throughout our ENTIRE relationship. I don’t know what came over me. I’m pretty embarrassed to even write it out to all of you right now. I begged and pleaded with him, told him I knew it was wrong to kick him out and make him sleep at his office, told him if two people really loved each other they could work on things, told him some insight into my therapy, etc. He raged. Then later that night I get a slew of emails saying how much he loved me, how much his family loves me, that he is just afraid to call me because we haven’t spoken in over a month (it had been two weeks), that he wishes he could control his anger better, that he’ll never really let me go in his heart, etc. Of course, he never calls. Next day, I start getting angry emails again, saying he’s not making any sense, I talk to him later and he’s screaming at me on the phone about everything I did wrong (including the fact that he quit taking his Zoloft – apparently that was my fault), then to get another round of emails saying he’s sorry, he never wants to leave me, he needs to let his anger go, he will never let me go, he wants to have me in his life, etc. It was insanity.

Monday (towards my breaking point), he says he’s busy at work but feels better. I had a hard day and kept telling him I was feeling pretty vulnerable and emotional and I’m not a crier but I broke down and balled my eyes out on the phone to him. His voice sounded weird and he didn’t say much. At this point we hadn’t seen each other in three weeks. He said he couldn’t come over because of work stuff in the morning but he would come over the next day. I send a bunch of texts and call and no response the next day until much later. I told him I had told my daughter who was asking for him that he was coming over and this was really starting to upset me. I didn’t want to start screwing with her head, that he was giving me the silent treatment one minute, lashing out at me the next and then telling me he loves me in emails the next. IT HAD MY HEAD SO SCREWED UP. After not responding he sends something saying “I told you I was busy, you need to relax”. Um, no as—hole, this is my daughter’s life and expectations. I think it finally got me to lose all sense of my sense of self respect as a human and finally HIT MY ROCK BOTTOM. It was so obvious he was BS-ing me. He’s never that busy at work. I know what he does. All of it just became so obvious and I had a MELT DOWN.

I’m so sorry this is so long. I just finally got to a place where the light bulb went on and I am by no means feeling like a rock star, but this is the best I’ve felt in weeks. I’m embarrassed, so embarrassed at myself for begging for this person who has been nothing but cruel and toxic, toxic, toxic to come back into my life. It’s just disgusting. But, I almost feel like I had to get to that point to finally let it all go. I see him for not a human being, but for a shell of human being, someone who is evil, dark, manipulative, just a massive con artist. He’s just disgusting. I’m going to try and keep going to these meetings. I think they will help and thank you to all of your support here. Sorry again for the long post.