I am cleaning the house and trying to make changes day by day. I was afraid to go into my AH office for fear of what I might find. I finally had the courage to go in and start cleaning. I found all these pens and lighters that I can only assume he used to take that poison. It just got me so angry again and sad because he did it at home, near our babies after he swore he wouldn't. But why am I surprised? I knew what I would find. It just hurts so much.