illbewaiting

So, up until this most recent path toward recovery for my addict fiance, I was doing well considering that he was actively using.
I had put his addiction and recovery in his own hands and I put it behind me.
I pursued an education, I've been trying to find a job in our new home state, and I've been focusing the majority of my positive energy toward my son(the rest goes to school :P)
I mean I was really doing fantastic.. I've been reinventing myself and gaining my own new identity..
I'm not a punk ass teenager anymore, and I can't try to hold on to any of that.
I'm a 25 year old mother of one,ex-addict,student, and fiance to an addict.
I really started growing up, for real this time around.
BUT, now that I know he has been sober for nearly three weeks I'm all jumble headed again.
WHY?!
It's so insanely frustrating to me.
I feel like I have back-peddled miles from where I was just a week ago.
I want to be in the know about where he stands on the whole thing, but another part of me wants to be completely ignorant to it all, maybe because it hurts less that way?
Maybe if I don't know he's clean, then the relapses can't hurt me as much?
I'm not entirely sure what the reasoning behind the feelings are, but I know that at this very moment I am very irritable because I feel everything floating back to the surface.
At least when he was using I knew what he was doing,where he was going/with who,how much money he was going through,etc.
I never had to ask, but I always knew that when I got the "I'll be home late" text it really should have read "I'm going to get high, I'll see you later"
Stupidity.
I'm just blah, my emotions are all over the place right now because I want to have faith/hope, whatever... But the realist and the sceptic living inside of me are screeeaming "DON'T GET YOUR HOPES UP OL' GIRL, YOU REMEMBER LAST TIME, DON'T YOU?!"
Stupidity.
Dear god I love this man with damn near all my might..
I have never had a person love me so whole heartedly and stand by me through my craziness like he has... and I've got a whole lot of crazy stuffed deep down inside.
I'm just seriously struggling so much more this time around than ever, and I don't really know what is different this time..
Maybe it's that I've changed and he hasn't? I don't know..
I think it may just be that I'm starting to ask myself how long I'm willing to put up with this.
We've got all of these things on the table about getting married..
one of the major things being that I will not marry him until he is one year sober.
I'm sure that's got a lot to do with it..
I'm probably coming to this point of "No matter how much I love him, how long am I willing to wait until we start our lives" kind of deal..
Guess I just answered everything myself...
Just had to put my crazy rant out there otherwise I'd probably start walking on the walls and babbling it all out loud, and that's no good for anyone.

I'll continue to stay strong.. I was made that way.
I've got a lot of thinking,writing,and talking to do in the near future.
I think it's probably about time to put some new boundaries in place.. they're ever evolving.