I'm finding it difficult to be on my own. I'm lonely and bored and I hate not having him to talk to. Despite the fact he is toxic and poisonous and not a good person for me to be around. At family occasions it's hard because everyone else is in a couple and I feel kind of awkward, especially when people ask about XABF. How do I even answer that? At the moment I just say 'hes ok as far as I know thanks, we don't really talk much now though'.
I like people. I like being around people, I like laughing, I like conversation and company- recent discovery, I used to think I hated being around people. Amazing how different things are when there's nobody to belittle or humiliate me or refuse to let me talk or make jokes at my expense
But I want to be ok with being alone too. I don't want to miss him and feel like calling him. I want to be happy by myself. It's going to be an important lesson as I don't intend to get involved with another man for a very very long time, if ever. I want to focus on my daughter and a career and making us a great life.
I am just sick to death of the emotional pain and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to focus on his drama or his abusive words anymore. I want to learn to live without him.