I know this thread is old & resurrected but it's an interesting one. Cool to see the OP thought she could one day moderate & then 6 months later realized there was no way.
I personally do not think alcoholism is a disease, part of why I shy from AA. At first it seemed soothing to think it wasn't my fault. But in the end, it is. I let alcohol take me down that twisted road. It comes down to personal accountability. I make a million
choices each day.
Addiction will lie to you, cheat, delude your thinking so you keep feeding it.
I believed I couldn't stop & each relapse reinforced that.
Now I know I can stop, stay stopped & addiction is losing its death grip on me. Now it feels like a broken cob web brushing against me.