Lesliej- the melancholy can get the best of me at times. I have that tendency anyway even though a lot of people do not know that about me. Starting to work on some things in therapy and am really happy with it so far.
I do not feel ready for a relationship and just want a break from it all. I want freedom again so I can remind myself how to be free in a relationship. I learned that if and when I am ever ready for a relationship again I want a man who is in control of himself and not controlling. There is a big difference. I was so attracted to my ex's masculine side and in control side, but that quickly turned into being controlling.
I have been with men with low self-esteem who feel competitive with me or admire me, which is fun at first if they are supportive of me. But sometimes they will bring you down just to make themselves feel better. I noticed in these relationships my self-esteem is lower and when I am on my own I more confident. I know it is possible to grow with someone in a relationship but with active addiction and even with past addiction where there has been minimal real recovery or self-work that a healthy relationship becomes impossible. To be honest, this is a problem with most men I have been in a relationship with whether addiction was present or not. I am a pretty successful woman and that throws most men I have met.
I think I just could not picture that at this time in my life that having a partner or kids would not be a part of it at this point. I am lucky that I have had amazing life experiences, profession, education, and passions, however, I am still a woman with certain desires so it was hard to walk away from a man I felt such connection with. It is not wondering if I will ever find it again that bothers me. It is whether or not I am too hardened now and have been too drawn to the "bad boy.". That is why I am here and getting on with life because I really do not want to become more jaded or bitter.