dear Pock,
take a deep breath, fear does not like breath...fear is holding breath until you're blue in the face.
I can so empathize with the place you are in. From the outside it looks like this:
you have constructed this sense of containment for your fears. You have set these conditions: A). (favorable option) he is in a sober house; B). (stated non-option) he cannot come to your house, and fearful option C). (fear filled option) if neither of these then he will use.
I think that part of this is your attempt to set healthy boundaries. You have set the condition that he cannot come to your house, probably because you are trying not to enable. You want him to stay at the sober house, probably because it makes you feel safe...that it will encourage his sobriety and thus you will not have to lose him. And C. the two of you have decided amongst yourselves that if he leaves he will use and even overdose.
I think that as codependents trying to recover and set boundaries we still have the desire to contain and control creep up. The desire to contain and control is based in fear...and of course it is! We don't want to lose the person we love, and when we start setting boundaries and conditions then we get fearful that we will have to follow through.
Recovery in codependency seems to have some conundrums. Self awareness can feel like blame, but how are we to be blamed if we "didn't Cause it". In the efforts you are making to seek recovery I applaud you!! You went to a meeting and you are coming here...keep doing the work! I know you went to your first meeting, I would highly recommend to keep going and get yourself a sponsor. A sponsor is like your personal pulse taker as you maintain your journey to being healthy and happy! A promise of al anon/nar anon is that we can and will be happy whether or not the person we love is using. Pretty wild promise, but I can tell you from experience that it is true. I make deeper discoveries into this truth every day that I make a commitment to my recovery!! AND the bonus is that I know, I truly know, that my recovery is the best thing I CAN do for the man I love.
I picture the demon of addiction as this nasty beast that feeds on fear. (It's diet is a smorgasbord of fear, insecurity, dark secrets, shame, abuse, etc etc etc. and it eats heartache as dessert) Right now your boyfriends addiction is probably pretty hungry...people in the house know it, they handle it. You, however, are still caught in the web...and yes, some of your intimate conversations with your boyfriend are him expressing his fear and worry, perhaps what feels like somewhat "natural" and intimate sharing, but make no mistake...you each have a demon and they are hungry (they may have different appetites) but do what you can in recovery to NOT lay out a tempting picnic of FEAR.
Keep turning to love and peace and well being. SR and Your Group/Sponsor will keep guiding you to do so. There are promises in the principles! Fear only begets fear.