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Old 03-23-2012, 12:04 AM
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jrsmama11
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: VA
Posts: 25
Guilt over boyfriend's relapse

Why is it when my boyfriend relapses I am always trying to figure out how I can change? I unintentionally passive aggressively attack him after he confesses (never willingly... I catch his sorry ass everytime... good at catching him since its like a mirror of myself from the past). He goes into this huge angry fit of rage, which if you listen closely is a pity party, and then all of a sudden it becomes my fault because I make him feel worthless or a failure. Then suddenly I go into my own little manipulative mode where I play this victim and tell him it must be my fault, and I wasn't doing enough to help him live his life (pfffffttttt like we could be anymore codependent), and just feed him back his ******** so maybe he'll see how stupid he ******* sounds. Then it suddenly is me apologising, and him thanking me for my apology and I feel small like I did something wrong and he seems all big headed like his actions have some how just been validated. Everytime he relapses I think we make like two step forward, and ten steps back. Thankfully I'm not relapsing with him anymore. Maybe that's the most frustrating part. Everytime I relapsed it made more and more sense to me why I shouldn't use and sometime I think he is just reconvinced its the right decision. This time he smoked some pot, and I kept asking him if it made everything better and all he did was scream at me about how it was one time so of course not. I know that scream. I've yelled like that before. You know the "it would have made everything better if you didn't make me feel like I was doing something wrong. its your fault it didn't make me feel good." It just so hard to know the right thing to say in that situation because sometimes I have those thoughts. Blaming people for ruining my ability to get high without feeling guilty. He works at a bar so he sees the reasons not to drink everyday, but he doesn't see why he shouldn't get high. Even if he has the example of why getting high is bad he can just say "well they drink and if they didn't drink and only got high they'd be fine." He thinks that when I tell him you can't get high and take care of a baby it means that he can get high when the baby goes to sleep and that will be ok. We have a little baby together by the way. Not even a year old yet. He doesn't understand that when you get high it effects you even when you not "high". I remember I used to catch him on days he got high and I would ask him if he was high and he was say no because he didn't feel "high" anymore. I had to started asking him if he had smoked. It feels like he hasn't change his thinking at all. In fact I know that he hasn't because he still acts like a beer won't affect him. I changed my idea of what "drunk" was to try to help protect myself in case the day came that I decided to drink again. Of course it did when I decided that and I have been lucky enough to only have one REALLY bad relapse. And also lucky enough to not have a long time period of being back out there. Back to my boyfriend. I just need help figuring out what the right thing to do in this situation is. We're not living together right now, and I was hoping that it would help him solidify his sobriety for him but instead he's essentially fallen off the emotional bandwagon. Also, he was supposed to have quit smoking cigarettes, but instead was lying to my face about smoking them. I think maybe that got him in the habit of lying to me. Its been ten months since I quit cigarettes, and I'm six months sober. We've been both trying to get sober since the every end of 2009. He always yells at me about how I don't help him quit stuff, and I don't make it easy for him even though he purposely would make it hard for me to quit because he wanted a excuse to keep doing what he was doing. Misery loves company, ey?


End of rant.
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