Originally Posted by yez5

Besides all that I am trying my best to keep myself focused on my goals, which is to make a better life for me and my kids without my AH. Some days I have anger and resentment to give me the strength I need to believe there in nothing I can’t do.

I also experience anger and resentment. I do believe it gives me strength and validates my decision to leave my AH. I try not to hold onto it for too long because it is like drinking poison and waiting for the other persont to die.

Honestly so much has happened that I do not believe a word he says anymore but I know the power he has over me regardless.

My ALO has such power over me emotionally. Just this morning I reached out to a fellow Alanon member because I found myself obsessing over my ALO's future "medication" plans. She told me what he wants to do is his business not yours.

This was such an eye opener for me. That my beautiful son could even consider these awful things broke my heart but also gave me this rage against my situation that I hadn’t had before. And all I can think of was, no matter how much I love my AH and how badly I feel for him it just can’t be a part of my life anymore. Because of his addiction and my weakness my children are hurting. That is just unacceptable to me. I have to fix that, I have to make it better no matter what it takes. They are all that matter now.
I have to find the strength somewhere to make this all work

Thank you for posting these words. I do love my AH as well, very deeply. I have much compassion for this disease and his sufferring. Same as you...his addiction + my weaknesses = my children hurting. I too have to provide a better life for my children. They did not ask to be born. I brought them into this world. It is my obligation to give them a healthy, happy childhood. I know my daughter is 18 now but I do hope I am setting a good example for her. I want for her to be independant. I hope she will use my experience as an example to never allow any man to treat her disrespectful. My son is 13years old. I am raising him to be a respectful gentleman. His father never set this example...