Madison, it sounds like you are in the throes of separation trauma, I hope that you are able to get an appointment with your therapist and am so happy that you already have someone who has been working with you.
Every chance you get just take a deep breath and focus on the moment you are in. Many spiritual practices remind us to stay PRESENT. Hold yourself, take showers/baths, go for a walk...even if it's just around the block. Seriously, you need to start bringing your focus on to your peace of mind...even if only for glimmers at a time.
When we are in these horrible situations we need to do the work of sorting out what is ours. When we have been twisted into the distortion of being in relationship with addiction and mental illness we become distorted ourselves...and it takes some time to gently and lovingly detangle. This is not about blame. Pushing the sickness back and forth just volleys the issues. IMHO it is best to just start trying to focus your mind and heart on goodness and well being. It is simply maddening to rehash all the details, and to put it simply, it is a waste of time. Though every story like this has its different details the outcome is the same, you have spent this part of your life in relationship with deceit, lies and manipulation.
And yes, some of it has probably been yours. LOVE, the chemical reaction of it, the dopamine of love, is one of the strongest drugs there is (I think it's what all others imitate
)and once we have found a supply it is really hard to let go of!!! Especially if we have any semblance of "normalcy" (even with issues from childhood and such) we just cannot understand the dark side of love, it doesn't make sense (it never will!!) and we just keep digging the hole, getting more entangled, trying to wrestle with what we don't want to keep what we want.
start forgiving yourself for this totally understandable part of your life, it has been a major lesson for you and you will learn A LOT from it...and you will have as a gift this profound wisdom to pass on to your daughter. it is okay for children to witness grief, let her know that you are sad and you will get better (yes???)
the cause is lost. breathe, let go, love yourself, tenderness, own your courage and your strength, own your love and your hope. have faith and trust in your ability to move forward in life...
it keeps getting better
I realized this morning I am a month out...and I am having kind of peaceful little breakthroughs
most of my family doesn't want to hear it either
when was the last time you focused on anything about their life? have you been using them as an emotional dumping ground? crisis/pain/awfulizing...that's what we do in the throes of all this
use SR, use your therapist, get to a meeting!? (lot's of al anon with childcare!)
and put a smile on, eventually it comes naturally
peace, love and prayers to you
leslie