yez5

Hello everyone, its “Confused” here, though not as much as the beginning I hope. First I want to thank everyone again for all of their words of wisdom, care and support. It has really helped me so much on this painful journey. These past two weeks have been a rollercoaster ride of emotions for me, but I think I have been keeping it together fairly well for my kids and work. Together enough so no one notices the dark rings under my eyes from lack of sleep or my covert trips to the ladies room to cry my eyes out for no apparent reason. Thank goodness for makeup! Besides all that I am trying my best to keep myself focused on my goals, which is to make a better life for me and my kids without my AH. Some days I have anger and resentment to give me the strength I need to believe there in nothing I can’t do. But other days, like today, I get an email from him, which I foolishly read, and the fear comes back, the doubts. His emails are straight to the point, no drama and no begging for more “communication” and for some reason this makes me anxious. He will be back in FL on Wednesday to go to the “Outpatient Therapy” he told me about. Honestly so much has happened that I do not believe a word he says anymore but I know the power he has over me regardless. But there is something that I am going to use to help me, my kids. This weekend my son had a little breakdown for lack of a better term. He was crying and screaming and telling me that he hates FL, the fact that his father is sick and not with us and that he thinks he is a bad crazy person. It took me a good half hour to stop his tears and another hour of talking and convincing him what a wonderful person he is and how much I love him. And that I would make it all better again.
This was such an eye opener for me. That my beautiful son could even consider these awful things broke my heart but also gave me this rage against my situation that I hadn’t had before. And all I can think of was, no matter how much I love my AH and how badly I feel for him it just can’t be a part of my life anymore. Because of his addiction and my weakness my children are hurting. That is just unacceptable to me. I have to fix that, I have to make it better no matter what it takes. They are all that matter now.
I have to find the strength somewhere to make this all work. I haven’t been able to attend any meetings because I just don’t have the time or anyone to watch the kids for me that I trust. I have been thinking of maybe trying church again. The kids have suggested it and I will do it if it makes them happy. I have to do something I know. Sorry I think am rambling again, so much going on…Am I doing the right things? Am I being too harsh or not harsh enough?
Your words are so welcome right now. Thanks for listening.