I always knew that loving an addict was tough, and there are times you've been to hell and back, but I never realized just how much it was affecting me mentally & emotionally. I want to heal, and not repeat the same mistakes, and recover from the codependent traits I developed.
I know, and I do know, being away from him is the best thing for me. He makes me worse, the addiction, the behaviors, the lies, the insanity.. makes me worse.
I've let him go.. how do you let the hurt and betrayal go of their actions? of my actions? Some days I say I hate him, but then I realize I'm more mad at myself for staying, and putting up with so much bs, and ignoring the red flags. Of believing that love, and hope could cure his addiction, and that he'd change.
Dear Erynn,
U've written whaT I'm exactly feeling now. I'm not sure if i regret giving him chances and being there for him as he requested with tear. There were several times I felt that I couldn't handle anymore and leaving would be the best for us. I was so afraid that I would have emotional breakdown soon. I told him with tear that I have to leave. He told me to have faith on him and I thought that i loved him. So, I stayed. In the end, I set a trap and found that he was ready to cheat on me. I confronted him and gave him a good slap. He grabbed my collar and lifted me up. It ended with police.
It hurts like hell. If I ever knew that i'd finally get hurt badly mentally and emotionally, I would have stepped away.
I'm seeing social worker now. I hope to heal... though sometimes, the heartache still comes from nowhere all in sudden.
U are not alone. We are all healing here.
*I went NC for 5 weeks*