madisonblake

Earlier this week I posted about my ex boyfriend who was addicted to opiates. He finally went into rehab last december. We got back together shortly after that. Things were great for awhile and then the last few arguments we got into were obviously because of a history of shattered trust. I got really upset when I saw his old drug dealer calling his phone. My reactins weren't the greatest. His were definitely not great and I felt he should have taken different steps to make me feel secure he wasn't' using again.

We didn't talk to each other for the week. I called him today to just apologize for my reaction to the situation and I only spoke to him for a few minutes. He said he was really upset about our relationship and that he understood his drug use had been a huge part of the destruction of our relationship.

I did call him back later and he didn't answer. What just happened has me really upset. I know he is right but I just don't know how to let this go. He sent me a text saying he's really devastated and that just hearing my voice was shattering him. He couldn't bear to hear my voice because that just always ended up with us getting back together. This was not a conversation that should have happened via text. He went on to explain that he sees his drug history shattered any trust, that he felt he would never be able to make me happy, that my family would never accept him, that he feels I would always be shamed by him, and he can no longer live his life feeling this way. He feels if he just let me go and never speak to me again, it's because he loves me enough to let me go find someone who I can feel secure with and that will make me happy. He feels guilty for coming in and out of my daughter's life and that if he doesn't stop this he will continue to feel lost and shattered. He feels like I will never completely trust him, etc. This went on and on. He told me he's never been this afraid to let someone go in his life, he hasn't' slept for days, etc. He said he didn't want to see this end either but this is exactly the way it was going to happen and that he would no longer ever call me or email me. He asked me to block him from texting and calling. I had to respect his wishes and I did so.

I just feel lost! I feel like he hadn't relapsesd but I thought he did when I saw that phone number. I told him I would respect his wishes and just block him. So why do I feel so bad? He is right. The last year and a half has been pure hell. I feel like I over reacted to a call and he's right about that, but the truth is that I feel like if he were the one who needed to regain trust, he would see that. I read posts from people who did manage to work through all of this stuff. I had posted that I had accepted we couldn't be together the other day but I guess I still had a llittle bit of hope that things would be resolved.

i feel like complete hell right now. I feel like I gave this person the benefit of the doubt when everyone told me not to and I feel like I was just dumped on and this person had nothing in him to fight for us when I fought for us through the worse times. I understand that he needs to do this for himself to feel good and he told me he loved me and this was the hardest thing he's ever had to do but I just feel terrible. And it all happened in text messages because he couldn't talk to me. I just feel like that was such a cowardly way out.

I know this is probably for the best but it just doesn't feel like that right now. I feel like I fought like hell through the hard dark times to try and make something work between us and that was just all thrown in the garbage. I'm so lost and confused. I know that my head is telling me that he's right. He's made me feel terrible for so long and now that he's finally made it out of rehab, he doesn't feel like he should have to fight to prove anything to me or to fight for us or prove himself. I feel like I am someone who was going to remind him of the dark days and bring him further down so that was enough for him to end things. . . via text no less.

Please put some of this into perspective for me. I understand what he was saying......that he was always going to be seen as a failure to my family, a shame to me, etc. But if someone loved you enough and really wanted things to work, I feel the rest would have fallen into place. This really has me shaken up. I can't sleep and need to pull myself together. This forum has always put things into persepective for me.