hi Erynn, welcome, you are in the right place.
I am 3 weeks out from a 2+ year relationship with a relapsing addict who I loved/love
it is lonely, it is freeing, it is frustrating...on and on and on. many emotions and I just keep trying to stand up and walk through the days with as much serenity as I can muster. it is a difficult process for sure to detach from someone you love and someone that you have been enmeshed with through addiction. it is a complicated mixed bag of separation, knowing intellectually that you are doing what is right but still experiencing the emotional pain, and also discovering ones own "deceit", re: remembering some things better than they were, or minimizing other things that were awful.
just saying...I can empathize. coming here and writing helps me process, reading others stories such as yours helps me to remember what it's like, writing to others helps me, going to meetings is a huge help...it gets me out of my head and reminds me that recovery works, and I want to work my own. having a therapist/getting some counseling can be awesome if you can do it. I find a lot of empowerment in taking back my love, hope and soul...instead of throwing it away with the relationship that failed because of addiction (mine and his) I like taking back parts of myself and owning them.
give yourself plenty of time and space...don't shame yourself, don't beat yourself up! keep reaching our for love and support...experience strength and hope of others. try to find time each day to be gentle with yourself, you have been in a war zone and you are traumatized...get help where ever you can find it. don't expect yourself to just "get over it"...you're going to have to walk through it,
recovery has a lot of promises for people like us.
things get better, much much better, and we just have to keep trusting in that
time will heal, and others will help
you are not alone