Hi Madison, I am Rose and have been a member for several years on SR. My husband was the addict in my life, he now is my ex-husband, he lives several thousand miles away now and my life is no longer in that chaos stage where every waken moment was consumed by his addiction..so sitting here reading your post I can relate to every word you say as most everyone her can as well. With many well spent days working on my own recovery, reaching out for help to others ect I was able to slowly but surely make a turn around and start on a path to make a knew life for myself and our boys, a life that took me away from the maddness that being involved with an active addict can and will cause.
When I read your post I can sense that you are having some doubts whether he is using again even when you have such a strong instinct he is, from my experience with the same what I came to learn was, this attitude that they have, being so ready to jump all over you and turn it around as you are the one with the problem is just par for their behaviour, whether they are using or not. They don't have to be using for it to be relaspe, the behavour itself is considered a relaspe without even using, they are finding excuses to make it all right in there minds to use. Should he be really on the up and up and be in the mind set of recovery he would have more compassion and understanding of your doubts and fear instead of playing games and throughing blame upon you.
For me just sitting here and reading your post, you seem to be upset and worried that you have to again go through the acceptance of it all again. What I see when I read is someone who is already far into acceptance that they even realize. I see someone who is using her resources, coming here and sharing, reaching out to friends and family and not isolating themselves where their worries compound to out of control, making it a very scary black place to be..If I could I would give you a big huge, but you are going to have to give yourself a big pat on the back on that road of yours to recovery!
Rose