madisonblake

Earlier this week I posted a thread about my exBF who I thought had possibly relapsed. He started doing things that seemed shady to me, including deleting call histories, allowing his old drug dealer to call his phone (who supposedly had been blocked after rehab), etc. I had asked him Sunday why he wouldn't block the call if he didn't want him calling or answer the phone to see what he wants. He became angry and hostile and came up with what I felt to be a B.S. reason. Like many of you said to me in that thread, just listen to my instincts and I don't need a phone or other evidence to know if he has relapsed.

I didn't hear from him all week. I had to just let go. He knew I had some of his email info and I wanted him to change it all. I sent him email asking him to change the info and explained how his behavior recently has made me feel. I talked about it in the sense of boundaries like you all suggested "when this happens, it makes me feel like this". Of course, the reply I got back was just so incredibly angry......."you accused me of doing drugs" (which actually I hadn't mind you), "you are out of control" "you make me feel like sh--t" "you are not perfect" "You never do anything wrong" "I never wanna see you again ", bla bla bla bla bla bla bla. I mean don't these addicts realize you can see through the crap after awhile. It's so painfully obvious after you've known them for so long.

I thought I would be able to keep it together but I didn't do that so well at first. It was just attack, attack, attack, deflect, turn the tables, you know, typical addict behavior. It was exactly how he was when he was in active addiction over the last year and sadly, I do believe deep down he is back at it.

I broke down and called my sister and told her everything (we are really close.) I refuse to do what I used to do which is alienate myself and not talk to my friends and family. I will rely on this site for support. I've blocked every form of communication I can possibly block. There's no more reason for me to contact him. Now I just have to be strong. I reallize I will never trust this person again. I realize that most of the time I've known him, he's been in active addiction. Even when he went to rehab last December and came out I saw parts of him that were ugly. The short fuse, the lies, the ugly things were still there. I just didn't want to see it.

I think one of the hardest things right now is just going through the acceptance phase again. Accepting the loss of a loved one in your everyday life, the loss of a connection, the loss of a friend. I'm sitting at work right now just wanting to cry. I hope I stay strong enough this time to just never speak to this person for a very long time, if ever. No contact starts again today!

Sorry for the rambling