Hi, I'm going to use this thread as a place for me to post my recovery-related thoughts... if that's okay (I figure it is).
A couple of things...
First, I mentioned that I had allowed my AH briefly back in. I had allowed myself to become indulgent which, for me, means that I stop trying. I stop trying to find a better job, I stop trying to dress attractively, I stop cleaning a much, I stop trying to keep up my health... everything. It made a wonderful backdrop for my husband to return!:rotfxko
So it's really only been this month I have been working it out again... how to progress WITHOUT getting anxious or expecting too much or trying to change EVERYTHING - you know... The "I'm going to change everything about myself starting NOW!" Fallacy.
Actually, even writing you guys has been amazing.
I went to a meeting I like yesterday and walked out having agreed to be the Chairperson for the next month... how crazy is that?!?
Then there is other stuff.
HONESTY MINUTE: I never ACTUALLY filed for divorce. I lied to everyone about it.
I SENT THE DIVORCE PAPERS TODAY!
1 year late, but better late than never...
I need to stay grounded. I'm still petrified. Part of the reason I couldn't accept divorce is that I'm 34. I always thought I would have a family and I'm at the point now that I have to admit to myself that it might just not be in the cards for me. I have to accept that. "Let Go and Let God" as they say.
I got a call from my Ex's Aunt (he's staying with her when he couldn't pay tuition for last semester's PhD program... sucks when the A is so talented and brilliant!). He's been stealing from her and that he's clearly on something. I told her his symptoms for each of the drugs he likes to take to figure out which one he was on (sick how I RECOGNIZE stuff like this
)
Anyway... I'm just glad I'm making a move away from him and toward myself.
Here's praying for me! I'm lifting a glass to myself that I may feel secure in myself, that I feel confident in myself and that I continue on this journey, staying positive and optimistic and I don't let excuses of depression or anxiety keep me from living!