Hi Foster,
I loved your post so honest and heartfelt. Most people respond well when others open up and are honest. I feel you are hiding from life and using the alcohol to do it. Hard to believe your husband doesn't know you are drinkingperhaps that is an indication of how far you have both drifted apart.
I am 58, sober for 9 months withe the support of AA and this forum. I can relate to the regret part but I don't dwell on it. Life is beginning to happen for me since becoming sober.
When I first got to this website and sobriety and people would write about the amazing things that were happening in their lives, I felt envious, dubious and felt they were smug.
They were just sharing their experiences to give hope to others that it can be done.
Well my life has taken on another dimension, I have bought a restaurant on a river 10 minutes from the sea which I will take over a year to the day I got sober.
It has given me more purpose in life and even more reason to do the work to stay sober, I never want to lose my sobriety.
I am becoming the person I always wanted to be.
Foster, your relationship with your husband is certainly not ideal if you can't confide your fears to him or go to an AA meeting because you are scared of his reaction.
You are only 48 and many years ahead of you, make them count. The years behind you are gone.
I sincerely hope you take action and change your life.
CaiHong