Foster

Today is day 3 for me, but my bewitching hour has arrived, it's 4:15 I am am ready to go get my wine for the evening.... today all I could do was think about all the things I've lost and regret due to my many, many years of drinking, eating disorder and codependent thinking ...for some reason I have just recently started thinking about how things could have been if I wasn't so blinded by addiction when I was younger. It's becoming obsessive and over bearing thinking,(I've been diagnosed with OCD) and when that happens, I am ready to give in and check out with wine. I really thought that this time I could quit, physically I feel great, but the thinking is so bad. I feel I've wasted so much time due to my addictions that it's too late and why bother (I will turn 48 the end of this month). I really have messed everything up. Career is going no where, I have no friends, no social outlets, no hobbies (drinking is my hobby). ..No kids (which I regret terribly) I really feel I have no life.

I know AA is probably the best solution at this moment (go to a meeting - get with people), but NO ONE knows about my drinking -- NO ONE, my husband has no idea, and I would NEVER tell him ever. Can't just say, sweetie I am off to a meeting.... I hope that does not sound bad. I think AA is great, but would be too afraid to reveal who I am... you know what, as I write this I am really learning a lot about myself ..... wow I feel shame, I hide everything, that's a huge problem. I can't believe I am writing so much, but it is helping me not want to run to the store right now and get a box of wine (yes, a box!!! ugh).

Too afraid to be honest with my husband - problem - feel ashamed to go to AA - problem - no social outlets - problem ..... wasted too much time and want to drink so I can waste even more time - problem. I think I am answering my own questions here.... but really, if anyone can help me learn how to get through the feelings of regret and remorse that I battle all day long it would be really helpful .

I really feel I can take what I have now and make something meaningful out of it - even though my husband and I are on shaky ground (he does not drink at all or do anything addictive at all). He is many years older than me and we have grown apart is so many ways (together 18 years). We both agree that we are more friends than a married couple - it's very sad, we love each other, but there is nothing left that resembles a happily married couple. We stay together I think because we are afraid to be apart/alone.

So, that is where I am right now. Can't stop the negative thoughts and the regret all day. Feel that I have accomplished nothing in life worthwhile - And don't know how to turn that around .

I've been lurking at SR for quite sometime now and I have learned and been inspired by so many people, I am so grateful to everyone. I am grateful to be able to write this as it has really opened my eyes into why I want to go get that box of wine... writing it makes things clearer for sure. I think I really want to make it to day 4, feel good tomorrow morning and work on the rest of my life. Thanks for letting me share!!