Thanks, I have been browsing through some of these posts and I've found a few that can almost exactly describe my husband and the way he makes me feel. There were some posts that I really could have wrote. It brought tears to my eyes, it was me. I am soo incredibly thankful that I have found people that are going through, or have gone through, what I am going through right now. I can't talk about my husband's problem to anyone, well, except his mother, but she & I aren't really that close.
I sort of feel stuck right now, just not knowing what to do. I can't let him come back home, I can't believe him if he tells me he is clean(which he hasn't told me that, but he tells me he is "getting clean", and not using very much and tells me that he will be clean soon), but when he does tell me he is clean, I can't believe him. I can't do anything. I can't help him. I cannot do a single freaking thing.
Right now I am not feeling sad, like I was earlier, right now I want to beat him with a freaking baseball bat. I want to punch him and scream at him and I want to somehow get it into his head that he is hurting me and he is hurting my life, and his childs life.
I still don't want to divorce him, though. I've never felt like I wanted to divorce him. I always want him to still be my husband, because maybe one day he won't need heroin. Maybe he will need to just eat & sleep, & breathe and that's it. Like I do, like normal husbands do!! Like fathers do!!! Like the guys that love their families enough to stay away from things like heroin!! I still, even after these months, I still think "Why would he even choose to do that to begin with?? What in the world made him think it was ok?"