Originally Posted by lesliej

It is one of the hardest lessons I have learned...that love enables. How did I learn it? The closer I got to letting go, the more I detached from the drama, the agony and the heartbreak of witnessing someone who practices self destruction, the more I realized that my A used everything as an excuse to use. Eventually he used me, my hope, my time, my intimacy as an excuse.

If you want to hand over your heart, mind and spirit to crack then you can stay with him. I have a clear image in my head of my heart being traded for crack. You already say that you feel "COMPLETELY EMOTIONALLY DESTROYED". That, my dear, is crack.

By being connected to him you are using crack.

I think that, deep deep down, in the most wounded part of our souls, many of us are terrified of losing love. For that reason we will just not let go of this person who cannot let go of crack (yet).

I have come to trust in love. If my beautiful man and I are truly meant to be together then I will see him when he makes it to at least a year of being clean. The closest he got was 8 months in the two years we were together.

I do believe that addiction is a horrible disease. There are many aspects of this disease. One is that it is spiritual, the addict feels disconnected/unLOVEable. That love that is missing is not yours or mine, another person CANNOT fill the spiritual hole of self loathing that is the disease of addiction. We will empty ourselves trying (emotionally destroy ourselves). And believe me, the moment someone turns to recovery they will find themselves surrounded by a lot of wise and savvy recovery people who will love them until they love themselves again. Romantic love has so many strings attached, it just does not work in quite the same way.

One of my strings is that somewhere deep down inside I dreamed that I would be the one, I would be his hero. I would be the one to enjoy the beautiful life because I was the one that stood by his side...that in some silent, corroding way, let him think that it was okay, that he wasn't "that bad" because I still loved him...which is another aspect of the disease....

It is a disease of perception. How they see, how we see. That is why we all need community and support and reflection. We help each other see more clearly. How and what he sees right now is controlled by crack. Your love is not going to change it. He may even see your love as an "excuse" or "permission" to use.

This was my hardest lesson. That I had to let go.
I finally was able to...simply because I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I used to think my lesson was that I had to work really really hard and suffer in order to get the love I wanted and needed.
I finally learned that I can still love him and not be with him...and more importantly that by letting go of that horrible connection to the evil destructive drug (him) I demonstrate and model self-love. Something that I hope he might learn, but that he won't learn from anyone but himself...the love between himself and his spirit, the spirit that is being slowly killed by crack. I hope and pray that he wakes up. I hope that being left by those who love him will maybe help him wake up.


Whatever your lesson is, life has a way of making you learn it.