Dear Wing,
I feel your pain. And I know all too well the temptation to get a fix. I am right there with you in between contact and no contact; rage and submission; temptation and will; grief and growth. It is normal to love the people we love. The problem is that we are loving someone that does not love themselves meaning their identity is shaky at best. So who is the person that we love? We give to a black hole that needs to feed on someone who will give endlessly. I can see it now and I do not fault my XBF anymore for my behavior and choices. If I choose to "actively" love (enable) an active or dry addict then I must understand that is how I will be treated. Like a loose cannon and a ticking time bomb. It is so challenging to love at a distance. I want to hear his voice and feel him close but I am learning with each time around the merry go round that nothing has changed expect my own reflection in the mirror. I went to the park today in my hometown where there was a playground. I noticed kids playing and the teeter totters were empty. I sat on one side of it by myself and realized that teeter totters don't work with one person. Then a light bulb went off in my head. Instead I enjoyed swinging on the swing in the sunshine by myself for a while and someday I would like someone healthy sitting next to me enjoying life with me and not taking me for a ride. The sadness and heaviness will lift. Be gentle with yourself and be aware of your feelings. They are trying to tell you something. Blessings...