(((Wing))) - as both an RA and recovering codie? I did feel the withdrawal from my last XABF was as agonizing as that from crack (no physical withdrawal, all mental). I had to make a list of why he was NOT who I wanted, truly evaluate whether I would ever trust him (nope), but it was still a process.
As hard as it seems, getting out of the house and doing something does help. I had to put a limit on my "pity parties" then just force myself out of my despair.
I'm sorry you're hurting, but I think the more you focus on why you went NC with him in the first place, it does help. Yes, we still grieve "what could have been" but in time, it's pretty obvious that we can't keep going through what we have just because it MIGHT get better at some time. Life's just too short.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy