If you re-read your post as a stranger or if your best friend wrote it, it might clear it up a bit. Here's what this stranger sees:
9 years…recovering addict…A LOT of ups and downs…he lied to me…several times…now my trust in anything he says has been decimated…keep me strung along…not married…I dont live with him…relationship never deepened…I would like to have a real relationship…crazy over jealous controlling girl friend…I have lost trust in him…I hold back on a lot of my more extreme feelings…lack of respect for me…visiting his ex-girlfriend…jealous…he cant seem to let her go…
He can do his "amends" any way he wants.
He just kicks you because you let him.
You may have been turned into that "crazy over jealous controlling girl friend" years ago and didn't even realize it.
I wish you well and hope you find that real relationship with someone who deserves you.