Thank you for your quick response!
I understand that I need to let him put his recovery first. I just have these mixed feelings.
I get angry sometimes because I feel like I haven't been first in his life since he started using again. It's always been the drugs first, and me second. And now that he's in recovery, it's the recovery first, me second.
I feel like since he's started using, I've been so focused on making sure he gets help, and so worried that he may overdose, or something bad will happen. He's definitely been my main focus for a long time now and I feel resentful towards him because I have not been his main focus. Even though I've been unhappy and obviously have a hard time with all of this, he's so focused on the drugs, he doesn't even understand that. I get angry that my needs never came first with him.
I understand that if I want a life with him, I need to accept that his recovery will come before anything and it needs to be that way so that he doesn't relapse. I guess it's just an adjustment I need to get used to.
I have a lot of anger towards him for putting me through this. I think it's too early to tell if these resentments will carry over into our relationship somehow later on.
I don't even know if there will be a "later on" in our relationship.
I just feel lost, and sometimes I feel selfish for feeling these things.
Sometimes I feel like, he's going to live in this sober house, put his life back together and things will be looking up for him, getting better with each day of being clean. He gets to start over and be brand new again, and I'm just broken.