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Old 02-27-2012, 09:13 AM
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BeavsDad
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
When my RAS (21) was in active addiction, I found that trying to deal with him and knowing of his day to day activities stressed me greatly. I did get to a point where it seemed like it would just be easier not knowing anything.

The following is from a journal I keep:

25 Apr 11 Day after Easter. Day full of mixed emotions as usual. He had found a good motel room to stay in close by but got kicked out because (friend) was smoking. I wanted to check it out and he blew me off, probably because (friend) was there. Exactly what I was gonna tell him? “Don’t have any druggie friends come there, they have a place to live, you don’t.” It would have happened anyways.
He can’t focus on anything but his next high. I can’t focus on anything but his next low.
Why can’t I detach properly? I know what to do, I can tell others what to do. I hate when he’s not here. I hate when he’s here. I miss my son so much even though he’s only been gone 2 months. I mourn him and what could/should have been. It took me forever to clean out his room because I would be overcome with an overwhelming sadness after just being in there a few minutes trying to sort through stuff. It felt like he had died and I was trying to get past it. I could never get past it. Even the thought of him overdosing causes me physical pain.
First several hours of Easter he seemed impared even though I asked him not to come over high. Does anyone else notice? How could they not notice? Why didn't I ask him to leave? Niece said “he is slower when he’s high”. We all had a fun day eating, swimming, and playing bags. He had a good nap with mom and woke up looking and talking like my son. Didn’t last too long as he became fixated on his phone most likely planning the evening’s festivities. He became very frustrated by the simple task of sorting through some shirts; which he blew off.
When he smiles, I am the happiest person in the world. He doesn’t smile anymore. I had to bail out of my gig Friday night because I was a wreck. That day took a lot out of me. He was screaming and carrying on out in the front yard and it was really a bad scene.
I don’t want to visit prisons. I don’t want to visit a grave. Every time he dares the devil, he loses.

May 2011 He turns 21. Called him at midnight to wish him happy birthday while we were in Vegas. Said he was just hanging out with (friend) and not doing anything special. We tried to make arrangements to see him the next day and go to dinner once we got home from Vegas. He ended up blowing us off and going to Subway with (friend) for his birthday dinner where he proceeded to get in an altercation with some kids. The cops knocked on our door that evening looking for him. Hard to describe the feeling of opening the door and seeing police. Always takes me right back to his birthday a few years back when they came knocking and were asking about the neighbors kid who had just died in a car accident.
He finally came by a week later and when I asked him to call mom on Mother’s Day he said he didn’t know about doing that since we didn’t get him anything for his birthday. Wow. Addicts have short memories. Of course, my birthday a few weeks later wasn’t acknowledged.

19 May I offered to buy him lunch at () like we used to do. He showed up very high. I couldn’t even talk to him. When he wasn’t nodding out, he was babbling incoherently. He couldn’t focus his eyes and they kept rolling up into his head. I couldn’t wait for that lunch to end. I was very upset and called wife on the way back to work. I will not put myself in that position again. I will not be around him when he’s high. As hard as I try to detach, it seems that going no-contact may be the best option for my health. I can only imagine what kind of toll this constant stress is taking on me physically.

5 Jun I was out of town and he was supposed to be helping mom knock out some stuff around the house for money since he lost his job for head-butting someone. Told us he was trying to get food stamps. Made wife very upset to think he wasn’t eating. He had started staying at (friend) and had burned through his savings again. We had a long talk with no real resolution. I re-affirmed our position to him. Our level of support solely depends on his level of active recovery. If he chooses not to be in recovery, then he chooses to not have our support.

He has since decided to be in recovery again, lived 4 months in a SLE, moved in with an AA friend, and has almost 9 months clean.

I read here on SR to help prepare for the worst…one day at a time.

Good luck to you.
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