dear ash, I am sorry that you are making such awful discoveries. I hope that reading here, and getting informed and insight from other people helps you with the struggle. for me it is very helpful to know that this is a widespread problem and that I am not alone, that so many people have had to deal with similarities. When we love someone it is hard to believe that who we love is being stolen away be drugs, and in your case where there are two lovely daughters involved it must feel tragic right now.
I want to say to you what most others will tell you...with recovery it gets better. And I mean YOUR recovery. Addiction is a family disease, and I don't just mean family of origin. Crack is the drug of choice of the man I love, and it can be particularly ferocious, as far as I know a person has to give it everything they've got to make it through to being clean, and then it's one day at a time. And there is nothing you can do. The 3C's of recovery for those who are involved with an addict are that you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it and you can't Control it. This is a simple statement, and it is time tested and proven true, and it is enough work to keep you busy on your self for many, many days to come.
I have been working on this since I met the "love of my life" over two years ago. I have read everything I possibly can both about his addiction and whatever codependency issues that I have, I go to meetings, I write A LOT, I reach out...there is a lot that we can do to help ourselves. And we need to help ourselves. Your husband is going to have to fight for a clean life...and then only if he truly deeply is able to. He likely will not be able to give you answers because he needs to be deep in a process of recovery for himself. You will find answers for you if you look for them, go one day at a time, and love yourself, your daughters and look toward love and life. It will be hard.
Why will it be hard? Because addiction is a family disease, the symptoms of addiction are not only in the addict but it the people who are interconnected. The symptoms? For me the symptoms were anguish, despair, MAJOR confusion, anger, blame, shame, an intense desire to be different from everyone else who was struggling with similar problems, sleeplessness, sadness, tears, wanting to know every detail, not wanting to know, and denial about how bad it was. I think the fatal symptom for me had to do with my hopeless romantic side...crack kept killing trust, and lack of trust is toxic to any relationship.
I'll try to wrap this up. This is based on my story...it is how I can maybe share Experience, Strength and/or Hope with you. My hope right now is that a lot/most of my symptoms are gone. I do not feel despair, anguish, panic, I know what I need to know, I get support from others, I have a deeper understanding of this mans struggle and I really know now that there is nothing I can do. What did not get better? He is still sneaking out on binge use with crack. What did not get better? My trust with him. And that is okay, that is understandable. I do not need to trust an addict. I do trust in love and I realize that love cannot thrive without trust. I am deep enough in my own recovery to know that I want love and trust in my world. An addict cannot fill that need.