I'm riding the fence on this one because I am on both sides of this, a recovering addict dating a relapsed alcoholic.
My husband of 25 yrs is divorcing me, he wants his own life. I have been hanging on to my alcoholic bf, though many tell me to drop him like a hot coal.
Here is what I am thinking. What do I want for MY life. MY life, independent of any other person. Do I want a certain kind of house, job, car. to live in a specific locale, to pursue a hobby or dream. What do I want.
If everything I want revolves around a specific person and their involvement, I'm in trouble. That is an unhealthy situation for BOTH of us.
Many of us would like to have a partner to pursue our dreams with, but our dreams should not be dependent upon having a partner or a specific partner.
The next step in this exercise is to honestly asses if the relationship is one in which you can pursue those dreams and plans. If it's not, then ultimately it needs to end because there is no way to build the life you want with that person.
My husband saw that staying married to me was going to prevent him from fulfilling his life dreams. There is a lot of other stuff going on there that I won't bother with in this thread, but ultimately that is his reason.
I am in a holding pattern in my life right now, this divorce might actually come to pass after two years of nonsense. I don't have a specific plan or dream as of yet. I am ok with my current living arrangement, job, and hobbies. I can afford, right now, to stay with my boyfriend,who is not abusive to me, and support his recovery. I am not putting my own dreams at risk (nor finances, kids, etc)
That might change if he continues to spiral into addiction rather than reassert his efforts at recovery. Or if following my divorce I make a plan to move on. But for now, it's an ok situation, not great, often heart breaking, but ok.
If you want to have kids someday...could you ever trust this man to be a father to your children? Are you putting significant goals in your own life on hold hoping that he becomes the man you want him to be?
Those are the questions I ask myself, and that I know my husband asked himself as well. Though it cuts me to the core that he chose to separate from me, I DO understand how he came to that decision, and DO acknowledge that it is an appropriate one.
All that being said, my own experience as a recovering addict and my boyfriends experience..we are a long shot at best. I hope we both stay sober forever. I don't think that is likely.