After a series of conversations in which we as parents held to our stance of not enabling his drug/alcohol use in our home, our son made the decision to move in with his 21 year old friend who he has been drinking and smoking pot with. We requested that if his decision was final that he move out as soon as possible so we can get on with our lives. So he moved out last night. We had some heated moments, but by the end we had reached a somewhat amicable conclusion. We made it clear that we did not support his decision to abandon all the progress he had made in his recovery and put himself in a risky situation that will guarantee that he will have problems again. We did not completely cut off contact with him, and even hugged him goodbye, but made it clear that he can only come back to the house if we are present (and we took his key and will change the garage door code).
It's an awkward situation, one that I'm not completely sure how to deal with. I worry about him and I want him to know I still love him, but I also can't go full in when the situation he put himself in is almost sure to end up bad for all of us. I also don't want to lend him money or make it more comfortable in any way for him to live on his own when we are so opposed to what he is doing.
In a way it's a relief to come to some sort of conclusion, after all the tension and uncertainty of the last week, which was probably the worst week in my life. I've been to 2 Al-anon meetings (my wife has been to 1) and we are at least starting the process of healing and detaching. But it makes it difficult when almost everywhere I walk in the house brings back memories of a time when he was an innocent child and we were a loving family. That will take time to get over. We've already put away a picture of the 3 of us that was out on display because it made us sad every time we looked at it. I know peace will come some day, but I also know more crises will come so it may be a long time before I feel completely at ease. Just taking it a day at a time...