Hello, I have posted here quiet a few times. I never thought I would make this kind of post after all that has been happening. I am sorry if this is long, I need to vent and need some advise. I know this is the best pace I can go too, because everyone here is going through the same thing.
I was dating my abf for more than a year now. He is a wonderful man and very sweet, and treats me like gold.. We love each other very much.. I heard the famous lines, " I was a drug addict but I cleaned my act".. I believed him since I was very naive about the drug scene. He started acting weird and I questioned him, but his manipulation overpowered me and he would play with my heart. Finally caught him one day, and he pleaded and cried, " One more Chance". He didn't go to any sort of treatment because he claimed he can do it on his own will. He relapsed.. i stayed.. he said " One More Chance". I stayed.. He said he would go to treatment this time, but instead landed in jail. Here I am.. with a massive heartache, Here was a man i thought for sure was my " soul mate", the love of my life, the man I would marry, killing himself. When you look into his eyes, they are empty with despair, with embarrassment- they have no life.
After the jail scene, I automatically hit my bottom and said it was over UNTIL he got his act together. Now, we do not know his fate, he might be serving time or his case might get dismissed.. he is also going to rehab for a month before the court date in about a week or so. The issue is.. we started to have contact with each other. We started talking on the phone and texting and he would say i love you and miss you, and I would say it back- I really mean it
.. After he was in jail for 2 weeks, he claims he look at life differently and would never touch the drug and hit his weakest point.. he lost his job, school and people not trusting him. His family/friends are still by his side, supporting him and not leaving his life.. So this hurts me that I am not there. A few days ago, I decided that it was time for us to see each other because we were really in love with each other and had such a deep connection and best friends we needed this. When we met, we hugged for about 20 minutes, just hugging. We started crying and had no words. I planned this whole speech, i thought I was so strong.. but I melted right in his arms. We sat in the car and just hugged and eventually kissed. He was saying he wants me in his life and will change and he is scared that during this time I will find someone else and he will never let me go. We barely spoke because it was just way to emotional for the both of us.
It concluded that we are not "boyfriend/girlfriend" but friends and when he gets better( if he does) we will start dating again.. I thought this was fine till today morning.. I woke up with even more pain and heartache because it hurt knowing we were so emotional and kissed and hugged and speak and text but are not dating?? That does not make sense, and I know in the end it will hurt me even more. Because what if he does get better? why do we need start dating if he already has all of me, well not all, but you know what I mean. He is not suffering from the consequences of me leaving because we still have contact.So here I am wondering.. I need to either cut complete communication and end it or give him "another chance". I am so confused.. Also, I told him if he gets better we will start dating again.. So am I waiting for him? In essence this is what I am doing. I will not be able to see other people or whatever because in my heart and mind I am waiting..
However, if I welcome back, its as if I gave an empty threat and maybe he will manipulate me more and more.. or maybe this is the end of manipulation? UHG
This is just a crazy situation. I hope you guys can understand what I am saying and a little whats going on through my head. Im sorry, dont really have anyone else to talk to