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Old 02-18-2012, 08:54 PM
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SnidelyWhiplash
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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So I am new around here and I posted a rather lengthy thread in the newcomer forum detailing my substance abuse and my recent coming out to the people that are closest to me, my father, my boss (almost a second father really), and my girlfriend of nearly three years.

I felt like I just had to finally tell someone, I finally realized I am fighting a losing battle and that I have not been able to fix the problem on my own. I have a codeine addiction. I decided I would go to the addiction treatment center and set up an appointment and then tell everyone.. After telling my dad and my boss it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, it finally gave them the answer they were looking for as to my recent actions over the past few months. They werent mad, but were obviously a little shocked, but they've been very warm and understanding about it.

Then I told my girlfriend, who Ive been hiding it from like everyone, about my use. She pretty much asked how long it had been going on and then said she thinks we should break up.. nothing is for certain yet but I am crushed, it took a lot of courage for me to tell people, and I told them because I need their support, and to have my largest life support back out on me is really hard to stomach.. I dont have much of a family at all, and in recent years relationships with friends have dwindled.

Thing is, I can understand her perspective, shes been wanting me to get help for my marijuana smoking as I havnt been able to quit that, and she has a lot of issues regarding substance abuse because of her dad, hes always smoked and drinked, and he got clean once and in her words she became daddys little girl again and things were good, but he started using again and their relationship is crap. Her dad beats her mom in his alcoholic fits, cheats on her and smokes away all their money. I understand the fear this must cause, and I understand that the fact that I kept this secret for so long must have her wondering what other secrets Ive been keeping..

Money has been really tight for me lately, and we've not been having as much fun as we used to, rarely go out or whatever.. I know largely a lot of this is because of the drugs and their consequences on my life, rather than them costing me a lot of money (which they havnt). We see each other on the weekends and for the past year now it just seems she comes over and studies.. shes always studying, and im always bored, and truthfully I have considered the option of breaking up because I think we've just hit a big boring rut together, sometimes I think that we don't really have much in common among other things, but we have great times together, we help each other out and push each other through problems..

..but I really do feel hurt that she just decided it would be best to abandon me and the relationship, almost to the point where I think that maybe we should break up. Maybe things have grown too mundane, maybe she doesn't care about me like I thought. I realize a lot of spouses leave under these cirumstances, but it seems more often than not to be for a lot greater reasons like repeated abuse, being caught in the act, overt constant lies and lost promises.. all I did was keep this from her because I was embarrassed, I was certain I could handle it and itd be gone and done with and no one would be the wiser. I now regret even telling her, even though I felt I absolutely had to..

Maybe I just need the complete fresh start, but damn is it going to be hard letting her go.. ive been through a hard break up before so I know I can handle it and I have ways to push aside bad thoughts like her sleeping with other men and other jealous insecure things like that, but I just.. I dont know, I feel like I've lost my backbone. All I want to do is curl up in bed spooned with her and end this nightmare, but I have a feeling my bed is going to be pretty lonely for a while now
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