there are a couple of things that are kind of scary for me...one is that I am a little bit numb. I am not entirely sure what the "numbness" is about. On one hand I feel as though I have done an amazing amount or work to get to a place of "loving" detachment. I am not freaking out that he used, I am not feeling a wave of pain and drama. each time over the last couple of years I have learned an incredible amount about myself.
over the last couple of months I had a mightily important ah ha moment and it had everything to do with the shame that I felt for loving someone who struggled with addiction. it was a huge wake up for me, and it was a major emotional release. I think it was a twisted binding shame, and I felt implicit shame...that my love "enbabled" him to use. my discovery of "deeply rooted issue origin material" (like that one?
) gave me a lot of spiritual/emotional/mental freedom.
and that freedom feels a little like numbness. but then again...there is that sticky post about this numbness possibly being a lessening in my fight/flight chemistry due to being "worn down" it is kind of odd to not really know which it is!
the numbness is a little frightening for this reason...I start to think that his using his "just his" that it doesn't really affect me, that it's not "my relapse". I no longer feel sorry for him, I just kind of am sick of the pity/sorrow/excuses...just simply sick of crack.
the numbness, if I get really honest about it, is also because (for the simple above reasons) it just does not affect me all that much. numb? detached? I don't see him high. And I no longer have much interest in hearing his excuses or pity party or remorse...it just all feels like an excuse. and in fact it is just kind of boring. it is certainly not life affirming or creative!!
anyway...back to step one again...because now I have an inkling of fear that this numbness/detachment would "enable" him if I were to stay with him.
On one hand it is detachment...you go do what you need to do, keep working your program, keep trying...keep having hope. which he does actually to an amazing degree
but on the other hand it feels like my numb detachment almost says "what the he!!, it doesn't affect me" that it "enables"
this enabling question has always been very difficult for me. I have always held a fear that love was enabling?????????????????????????????????????????? ?????
step one still???