...it has proven to me however that I am truly powerless.
Step 1 is always a good place to start and it sounds like you are there. I know I have repeated the steps many many times because each time I am in a different time, a different frame of mind and thankfully, a little wiser for the journey.
We learn as we learn, the lessons never get easier but they become more recognizable as we go.
I'm sorry you had to go through this, it never gets easy.
Better days are ahead, trust that and just keep walking.
Hugs