GerandTwine

By my present understanding of recovery, being IN recovery makes no sense except to my AV. But I certainly was IN addiction - of 2 minds about quitting, and for too long a time. Even though I didn't "relapse", my addiction continued as I was going to meetings in a Recovery Gone Wild culture several decades ago, wherein the desire to make the Big Plan was unfortunately considered a warning sign of relapse. But then I found RR and the rest is history.

I soon came to believe recovery is a beautiful event that takes only one very deliberate minute to experience. It may, or may not, include chills and/or tears. 5 seconds of self-talk (The Big Plan) is followed by some strong emotions; an awesome awareness of love, eternity, and mortality; and then feelings like the butterfly on the cover of RR:TNC might have if it had a human brain.* It's one of those super-present moments that can never be forgotten. Never is understood all around, but this is a predominately human, forever life-changing minute. Feeling good about the making of The Big Plan is the Abstinence Commitment Effect.

Because I have made three different Big Plans on four different substances, I choose to believe the following statements are true about the Big Plan.

I made The Big Plan with full preparation, willfulness, and solitude.
It is SO personal that it is IMPOSSIBLE to prove to anyone else that I made it.
It is also IMPOSSIBLE for me to rescind it.
And it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to not really know whether or not I made it, because forever is understood, and because how difficult it is for anything to get into my mouth, nose, or veins without my awareness.
I can make the Big Plan for something anywhere at any time.
I can make it only once for each addiction.
The Big Plan is a commonplace sort of commitment. Child-rearing taught me many, many "Never do's." The Big Plan was simply another "Never do".

To me, AVRT is not doubtable, because AVRT is simply a name given to those particular thoughts I desire and choose to think as a morally responsible person. I chose to starve to death my bodily tendency to continue a habituated, yet ruinous appetite for alcohol and pot, no matter what reactionary thoughts or emotions might pop up to try to feed IT.

On anger, when I was young, I got angry WITH my midbrain, often in one big confusion that lasted too long. Today, when I get angry, I quickly bounce back and forth from my midbrain to my neocortex, and often come up with something that's actually constructive. It just makes sense to me to do that.

Dealing with anger, though, really has nothing in particular to do with my Beast. IT will try to make just as good use of my suppressing anger, as it will of my feeling and expressing anger. IT knows NOW is always a good time to drink, or at least arrange things so you can drink without much risk of anything bad happening. YEAH, let's plan to do it. Let us ??? who is this US? It's just me thinking here!! Oh, yeah! IT's trying to COMMAND me. HAH! Not a chance!

*More than once, I thought of putting a small photo of my head over the butterfly's head on the cover of RR:TNC.