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Old 02-16-2012, 10:39 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
KelleyF
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
Sounds like we started out in very similar way….

My Boyfriend and I met when he was not using; but he only had about 2 months clean. But to his credit, he told me that he had stopped but that he could fall back; and I really didn’t have any experience with drugs, or addiction – so the part I really heard was that he had stopped. He was very honest with me also – he told me the details of his use; the people he had hurt; what he had done to his life. I don’t think he left much out because there was not much to find redeeming in any of it. He also made me go to a meeting; I really don’t know which group it was; he insisted I go; gave me an address and a time, and told me to do because he wanted me to understand. At that time it didn’t particularly help me; might now, but I’ve yet to try it again.

Anyway, we took things slow, and became really good friends before actually falling in love with each other. Everything was great between us, and I truly feel like during this time I got to know the man he really is.
Unfortunately, after about 10 months clean; he had a one night relapse that put him into the hospital with an OD. Things got kinda crazy after that …. He was in the hospital for over a week because of some heart problems, his dad showed up and they hadn’t seen each other in almost 2 years…. I was an emotional wreck for weeks….during that time is when I came to the forum.

I told my story; most everyone here said I should leave him. Also, all my friends said I should leave him. At that time, I took every word that was said: how I didn’t really know him, he had been using the whole time behind my back, he didn’t love me; he was so sick he wasn’t capable of love, probably had been stealing from me … whatever popped into their heads basically. The good thing that resulted from all this was that I spent time analyzing things between us; looked at myself; and I sorted it all out. All the answers were within me; as I’m sure all the answers that you need are really within you.

I chose to stay with him despite the relapse; because basically I had enjoyed every day that I spent with him prior to this; he had brought me nothing but happiness, and I felt confident that the person I got to know; was the person he truly is.
And I also chose to stay because I believed that he didn’t want to use the drugs; Coke was his DOC - and I believed that he would continue to do whatever it took to remain clear.

You mention how you have a strong faith, and that you believe God has a plan and that you are supposed to be together. And now your married and you made a commitment – for better/ worse, sickness / health…. So I understand that. I have a lot of respect for that.

I actually find it sort of amusing people question you faith, because I hear so many people struggling to give it up to their higher power so they can be set free. Im not knocking anyones program of recovery; but some seem to spend years never getting to the step where quite possibly your innate faith has already delivered you.

I get that, because I have a strong faith too. I won’t say that I am meant to be with the BF forever, I need more time to decide that; but I do feel that we were meant to find each other; and that we were meant to be together at this moment. I have faith that God is looking out for both of us; but realize we have to do our part.

Like you, I feel like I’m independent and strong; and that I can thrive standing by his side; even if he continues to struggle. I once said I wasn’t afraid - got a lot of bad feedback for that. But it’s true. Maybe I haven’t seen enough to be afraid; quite possible. But still I think that even if things don’t work out between us; I will be alright. I have a fairly well-rounded life; and I’m not letting any aspect of it slip away.

As I said before, I was really freaked out after he relapsed; filled with worry; oh what could I do to help him, etc. So one night, my boyfriend; in the most loving way, told me to: stop worrying, let him handle it, don’t feel guilty, don’t waste my time trying to unravel the puzzle of why, just treat him “normal” like I did before the relapse, expect of him normal things, and if he failed me, failed at being what I needed in our relationship, then I had to let him go.
So that is the plan I follow and it works for me.
It’s been almost 2 months since the night he OD’d; and we are doing great, and he seems fine now; but he is seeing a psychiatrist 2x a week, and to appease his dad he is taking blood test 2x week…. (his dad lives in another state; and since he can’t see BF too often; this actually does rid his dad of a lot of anxiety)
Anyway, still a long way to go.... I don’t have a crystal ball; I can’t see
the future but that is ok. Life is a journey, and it’s based on faith and love.

I wish the best for you and your husband. He does have quite a battle ahead of him; especially if he faces jail time, but if he wants to find his way clear of the drugs , he will, in his time. Just continue to concentrate on making sure your life is full of things that bring you happiness and strengthen your soul.

And remember if the bad days with him, take over your life…. Then you have to let him go.
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