Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
My clinician told me a long time ago that when an addict first cleans up, they feel like they're in a war zone without amour. It's frightening and scary. And I was willing to ride that out with her. Unfortunately, the addiction and the BPD were intertwined.
I felt empathy for her because I have a mood disorder. It's taken a lot of work over the years to learn how to be a responsible adult and to take care of myself. And one of the biggest takeaways from my own experience is we have to own up to what we do. To ourselves, and to others when we injure them.
Unfortunately, I learned that BPD isn't like a mood disorder. The Borderline is always in a state of chaos. Can they get better? Sure. But they have to commit to it. In her case, she hasn't. The cognitive distortions, the shirking of responsibility, the splitting, and the manipulation and abuse (especially gaslighting) is all there in spades.
So, yes. She's sick. But I knew that. The evidence was in. And yet I chose to stay in part because I felt leaving her while she was at her lowest sent a poor message: I only want to be with you when you're well. None of us are well all the time.
And my choices burned me. My responsibility.