I will try to focus on my life, my goals, and my obligations for the day. In spite of my best efforts, I won't be able to give my own life the attention and concentration it deserves because; the very real possibility that my mom may die soon will cloud all of my thoughts and actions. I will think deeply about the last conversation we had. Did I tell her I loved her? Did I use an angry tone last time I talked to her?
If by chance my mom and I make contact, which we usually don't when she relapses, I will pretend I have no idea that she has relapsed.
In a spare moment, when I am alone, I will break down and cry, this may be when I am alone in my car, driving from one obligation to the next. This will probably happen several times throughout the day.
Somehow I will manage to get through the day, just going through the motions. I won't have any recollection of what happened that day, or what I learned in school. I will be relieved that I survived my obligations that day. When I get home whether it be at 8 at night or two in the afternoon, I will cry myself to sleep and plea with God, telling him how unfair my life is, and how unfair it is that I have watch my mom do this to herself. I will tell Him that my unborn children deserve to have my mother in their lives, because she really is an awesome grandmother. Tearfully, I will tell Him that I also deserve to have my mother in my life.
And then I will realize that my unborn children deserve so much better than the reality my mother's addiction has created. And really, honestly, I deserve more from my mother than this living hell she is putting me through. As much as I want to cling to the images and memories of my sober mom, the fact is, more often she is the drunk mother I would like to think only appeared in my worst night terrors. On this thought, I hope it will end, that she will hit rock bottom, and finally be motivated to seek help for herself or if her rock bottom is too deep for her to handle, that He will ease her suffering, and if that means He takes her from this earth, at least I will know that she is no longer hurting.
And then I will start crying again.
Fall asleep, repeat each day until the relapse is over
Maybe this isn't so much of a plan, as much as how I usually handle it.