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Old 02-13-2012, 10:49 AM
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zoso77
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Having a Hard Time

When I read all the posts here, it drives home how similar everyone's stories are when it comes to dealing with a loved one's addiction. It also drives home how much in denial I was about my AXGF's addiction and behavior.

When she OD'ed last March, I was ready to leave her. My thinking at that time was if she wasn't committed to life, then she couldn't be committed to me. I was, by turns, scared, then angry...then relieved that she was still alive. I kept telling myself at that time to be thankful that she was alive, because it was really up in the air if she was going to make it.

It was based on that feeling that I stayed with her. In hindsight, it was a huge mistake. She may have not picked up, but her behavior was a lot worse when she wasn't using. I think of what I subjected myself to for 10 months after her OD...

I know now that she is incapable of love. I know now I was used and abused until she had no use for me anymore. And I'm asking myself every day, why did I stay? I'm not hurt she's gone. I'm hurt because I was so committed to her in every conceivable way, and she shoved it back in my face. I should have left her in March...but I didn't...I didn't follow my gut.

I just want to get this all behind me and be happy again.
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