Thank you everyone for your help. Cynical, that post hit home and I have seen myself in every single one of those scenes.
English Garden, yes he has physically hurt me numerous times. Unbuckled me and threatened to crash the car just because he randomly 'remembered' that I slept with people before we met. Every act of violence has been on a day where he has taken painkillers. He claims he's never done cocaine in his life. I guess I'm answering my own question by asking if the drugs are only enhancing his personality then...
.....re-reading what I just wrote makes me feel insane to have stayed with him. I can't decide if I am downplaying the situation in my mind or if I am making excuses for him. I just don't know anymore.