Learning to leave an opiate addict.
I'm new to this and my story is quite long..although I'm sure I will soon read similar stories. Which is exactly why I am so happy I found this website. I would love to talk to people that can relate to my story, and share their own experiences with me. I feel so alone and yet I know I'm not.
My (now ex) boyfriend and I met a few years ago, before he even tried 'blues'. We talked for about nine months before we actually started dating. During those nine months he met and found the girl he's really been dating the last two years...Ms. Roxy. I know many of you are also dating, or have dated, people that had their lives taken over by this nasty little drug. I was not prepared for it..the most I had ever done was drink, and my friends (at the time) were in the same boat as me.
We fell in love fast. We moved way too fast; but we didnt care because it just felt right..it still feels right..
About two months after we got 'serious' about our relationship, he started acting odd. He would explode with rage over things that didn't even happen..he'd make up stories and believe them..but only occassionally. I went to his house to tell him I couldn't be with someone that was so unpredictable emotionally, and that's when he told me about his addiction to roxies. I didn't get it..I just couldn't understand because I had never done anything close to it before. I researched and researched and tried to help. I automatically believed he was clean when he said he 'stopped taking them', because i didnt realize how hard it is to stop. For the past two years he has been on and off roxies, but mostly on. This past August he totalled his car and broke his foot. He had taken two roxies and a bar right before the accident. Since then, he has had the right mentality--he needs to get clean or he is going to end up in jail or dead. He went on suboxone through a doctor (or so i thought). It turned out he was getting the suboxone on the street and whenever he couldnt get them, he would substitute it with a blue. In November he went...nuts...on me for no reason. I was terrified of him..I had been, for months. Many bad things had happened during our relationship--but only when he was on the blues. Sober, he's an angel. Of course, that's what everyone seems to say also.
Anyway, in November I told him I was done. And he pleaded with me to just help him get better. So I did. He withdrew--went through almost a month of physical hell. I spent every waking moment making sure he wasnt doing drugs and was getting clean. And then I got offered a full time teaching position. All of January I was very busy. He relapsed..worse than before..resorting to heroin a couple of times that blues were unavailable. He was only taking enough not to get sick. Obviously this is not a good thing, but it gave me some hope that he was still committed. And then one night he was supposed to come to my house, I warned him earlier that he was not to see or speak to his former drug dealer who happened to be his best friend. However, he stopped at his friend's house before coming to mine. I lost it. I ended it. I was tired of questioning, tired of worrying, tired of setting boundaries. But I love him. So much it hurts. And it's only been a month since the break up. Since then, he really HAS seen a doctor and was put on the suboxone program for one year. He is doing great so far..meetings every day. Of course I don't trust him. I have hope..but not trust. He hasn't tried to contact me because he knows he has to do this for himself. But its killing me not to be with him. I want to see him, I love him. I want to help him. I want to be there for him in his time of need. But i dont want to be there for the relapse--only to look like a fool once again. the last thing he told me was that he loves me and thanks me, but he will never trust me again because i left him when he needed me most. and therefore he will never take ME back. I find this unfair and cruel, although i do understand. I told him i was committed to this. i told him id love him thru the good and the bad. and i left him when he needed me most.
i dont know what to do anymore. i dont want to lose him forever. i want to spend the rest of my life with him. i offered taking a six month break--no talking, no nothing--but he said he would have gotten over me by then. which hurts because i dont think ill ever REALLY be over him. but maybe it just wasnt meant to be.
hearing experiences from all of you strong people would really be beneficial right now. thank you for taking the time out to read this.