Flower,
In "Codependent No More", Beattie says that if detaching "with love" isn't possible, it is better to detach with anger than not to detach at all, when involved with a chaotic, hurtful person (and addicts are always chaotic and they always hurt the people in their lives). So don't worry....NC is the right way to go if he is a danger to your mental and emotional well-being.
And actually, not all people can get well. Some people have hard-wired personality disorders which are resistant to treatment. Many of these people are also addicts, so people mistakenly think that if any addict goes through recovery, surely he or she will get better, be well. But this is not so for those with psychological disorders resistant to treatment.
They get sober and they are still mentally ill. And dangerous to those who want to have a relationship with them.
I'm not at all suggesting your exabf has any sort of hard-wired disorder. Just want to offer that feedback. We all need to watch our backs and not be deceived, because there are people in the world who really want to destroy. And will, given the opportunity.
In Al-Anon I wish there was greater emphasis on caution, rather than "unconditional love." In the meetings the opening conveys the idea that one is in a perfectly safe place with completely trustworthy people. This is not what codependents need, in my opinion. For me, it was blind trust that got me into that room in the first place!
I am learning to wait and see whether someone I meet for the first time is trustworthy. And that includes anyone sitting in a recovery room.
Wishing you good clear decisions to protect you.