I am curious how long did it take others here to say "no more" and leave the situation or to at least go through the process of detaching? I've never been a drastic action-oriented person and have always needed time to let things sink in and process before I know what is comfortable and right for me. I know there's no real 'normal' as it's all relative but I wish I had this magic checklist and timeline of what to expect of myself to go through, when I should start feeling X, etc.. All I know is what I feel today, and that it's just a little different (maybe more, maybe less) than yesterday with no thought to tomorrow because I just want to process the present. I did turn a corner this weekend but it took me until I came here to realize I took it.
I believe it's different with everyone.
In my situation, I was willing to put up with a lot of the ups and downs with my AXGF. What I wasn't willing to tolerate was either gross disrespect or her being unfaithful. It was after a particularly ugly exchange that I decided to get into Al Anon. We weren't together at that time, but I felt I needed to start the process and get to the bottom of my "stuff". And the more stories I heard, and related to, the more I recognized that I had to get out of her way and let her be her. By the time she wanted to try again, that's what I was doing. I had also educated myself regarding BPD. So, between that research and journals, I mostly understood what I was dealing with. I say mostly, because I don't think anyone can be truly be prepared to deal with a severe case of BPD.
Still, I detached. With love. If she were suicidal, I didn't take the bait. If she hadn't eaten in 3 days, I didn't react; just said "you better eat then, huh?" And given the fact she's dual diagnosis, she resented that I was actually...well, trying to get healthy. And the rest is history; she confessed to not being faithful to me on her way on the door, with a smile and a sneer, and I have no love in my heart for her whatsoever.
The biggest lesson for me was the detachment. I recognized that even with my best intentions, my best input, my AXGF was going to do what she was going to do. And usually, she did with disastrous consequences. So, for me, it was either get in her way and watch her blow up, or stay out of her way and watch her blow up. And since I wanted to protect myself, I chose the latter.
The most touching, gutwrenching stories I hear in Al Anon are from mothers dealing with addict children. For some reason, those just kill me. And the work these women have had to do to detach is nothing short of courageous. A lot of them have had to make decisions about restraining orders. A lot of them have been stolen from. And, sadly, some of them have lost their children. Yet, they keep going to meetings, keep doing the hard work. Doesn't mean it's easy, because it's not.
This is getting long. At the end of the day, the addict in your life is in the hands of his Higher Power. And your life is in the hands of yours. Do what you need to do to take care of you.
Always,
ZoSo