WTBH
If you read The Big Red Book from ACOA they basically say (I am generaising & editorialising) that alcoholic and dysfunctional behavior cause virtually the same outcomes in children raised in these homes) and the 12 step treatment is the same.
I am sure Desert Eyes can articulate this much better than I am attempting to do here.
I think all of the stuff we have been discussing can be thrown in a giant vat labeled dysfunction.
In my opinion the inconsistency and ticking time bomb nature of my relationship with my parents was the really hard part, if they were always mean or always decent I probably could have handled that better.
It is like someone who pets a dog, then kicks it, and then pets it again, that dog wants your love and attention so bad that he comes back, he may cower and slink back, but he comes back because he is a creature that craves your love so much that he will take the chance that you might pet him over and over again.