sturmy16

I need some help... I'm struggling with the first step

We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable.

Hello everyone. I'll give you a brief history. I am a 21 year old college student. My entire social life revolves around alcohol. I'm also socially inept and completely self conscious. Most days I can't look at my self in the mirror. I think that a major reason that I am so self conscious is because I am so shameful of my past behavior, the things I did when I was drunk. I've been arrested, been a complete jerk, started fights, said terrible things, been an absolute pig toward women, lost friends etc. To be honest, I don't know how I actually have any friends left. My family is full of big drinkers. My best friend and brother is a huge drinker. The thing is, alcohol makes me crazy. I suffer from depression already and the guilt and shame that I feel after blacking out often times makes me suicidal. But still I want to drink. It makes me feel like a normal person, it makes me feel okay about being me. I've crushed so many dreams because of the trouble I've gotten into when I drink though. Right now, my family, with the exception of my dad and step mom who live 500 miles away, are not pushing me to quit drinking. I honestly don't understand this. My brother basically encourages my drinking and I think that is because that is one of the main things we do when we spend time together. But he has not had the same consequences that I have had when he drinks and also does not have the mental health problems that I suffer from. I left college 3 years ago after getting arrested and went to rehab for a couple of months. Then, I began drinking again. I just do not know what to do. I started going back to AA again and this time I have a sponsor and have made a few friends that I have been talking to regularly. I got about 10 days sober and then relapsed over the weekend. I just did not call my sponsor and didn't talk to anyone in AA. I just flat out decided that I wanted to go out and drink. So today I called my sponsor and told my AA buddies what happened and of course that welcomed me back with open arms. I haven't told anyone in my family that I am back in AA yet. I guess I don't want to tell them because then that would mean the jig is up and I am actually done. This scares me. I guess it is because I am an alcoholic and the thought of not drinking is frightening. Anyways, I'm sure I sound like I am out of my mind. Believe me, I know I am. On Thursday I am planning on going on a trip with my brother and a few friends until Sunday. It is basically a drinking trip and there is NO WAY that I can go and not drink. I really need some advice right now. I don't want to tell my sponsor that I am going because I know he will tell me not to. But I also do want to tell him because he will tell me not to. The trip is going to be fun as hell but I know that when I get back it's back to reality and back to being miserable. I've gotten two 24 hour chips in the past two weeks and I don't know if I can face coming back in a getting another one next week especially after planning a relapse and going on a trip that will guarantee that I'm going to drink. I want to stop drinking but I don't want to stop drinking. Can anyone relate to this? I don't want to lie to my sponsor or my AA friends but I don't want to own up to the fact that I am an alcoholic. I have it in the back of my head that after the trip this weekend I will commit to my sobriety. I don't know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks