I just realized something... I think a HUGE part of my motivations (stupid emotional thinking vs intellectual thinking) for engaging with MIL and then AH is connected to this.
At xmas MIL and AH were here for a "family visit" with the girls. My MIL told my 6 yr old daughter that her hair (short, adorable pixie cut that she LOVED until that day) made her not look very girly and it was better suited for a boy. Said it 3 times. Finally I put an end to it and not all that nicely.
So, when MIL started in last week with me I was tired of being the bigger person (I let the hair thing go but D6 has mentioned it repeatedly and just this week looked at a beautiful portrait of herself and said she was ugly and looked like a boy and it set me off) I hide it well for D6's sake (how much MIL's comments bothered me) and I reassure her she is beautiful of course.... But, I think my anger and hurt for my daughter is behind my desire to let MIL and AH know how I feel about their crap behavior.
It's one thing for MIL to be rude to me. Hurt my daughter and AH just stood and did nothing and told me later she "meant no harm" and I guess I wasn't as "over it" as I thought.
The girls had these beautiful pictures taken by a cool kids photographer in early Dec. I just got the photos and frames this week and the first thing D6 said was that she looked ugly and looked like a boy.
I swear to God that I have been nothing but positive about how I and the rest of the world thinks she looks and haven't let on how much I hate my MIL for what she said so I really believe that the statements D6 is making are bc she is truly deeply hurt. What grandmother says that to her grandchild????
Anyway, like I said, I was just talking about this with someone else tonight and it hit me that THIS was kind of what was driving me to interract with MIL and AH. Doesn't make it any more sane that I did interract with them but I feel better having some clarity in my mind....
Charming grandparent behavior huh?