That sounds like a sad and exhausting 'space' (mentally and emotionally speaking) to live in.
My xah and I had a lot of the same dynamics in our relationship. I fully admit that I had a lot of dysfunctional behavior that I brought to the relationship and I've no doubt that it caused him pain. We saw a counselor for a little bit and she said that we had massive communication problems. His were different then mine but we both had them. She said that it was one of the most fixable things in a relationship and she felt we could get past that if we both were committed to the relationship and to change. We went into her office with our heels dug in because I said I was divorcing him, period, if he was drinking and he said he wouldn't stop drinking if I didn't stay and do counseling. We hashed that out a bit and she said she would not agree to marriage counseling for us, or anyone else, if one partner was not in recovery. He was active and following the voice of addiction - not marriage. So that was that.
My two cents is that your first decision should be if you want this marriage on any level. You sound very uncertain, which I think is natural, but that uncertainty can become a sticking point where no movement is made in any direction and what a miserable place to live in.
If the answer is yes to the relationship I wouldn't waste one day in finding a marriage counselor that specialized/had experience with addictions. I don't think al-anon and AA alone are enough to help couples with these kinds of relationship struggles.