courageouscrane

My ABF finally went to rehab. The months before going were rough. He was sober for a few months, started drinking again, made attempts to "control" it, but of course got quickly out of control. So we broke up, him saying I deserved better, and me saying that I couldn't enable him anymore.

He was never a mean or abusive drunk, never raised his voice or lifted a finger. A few days before he got home, I got a letter from him saying he was learning a lot, and realized that he can't be in a relationship right now, and felt that we should not have verbal or physical contact so he could focus on healing.

I am happy for him, and happy he is going through this process. All I have ever wanted for him is to be happy and healthy. But at the same time, it hurts, and it feels like I'm the bad guy. I am accepting that I may never see or speak to him again. I am his only sober friend. I know our friendship is complicated by our past romantic relationship, but it feels like I am the reason he needs to heal. I know this isn't true, but it breaks my heart.

We have known each other for over 20 years, and were together for two. We wanted to get married, and declared each other the love of our lives. We were the very best of friends. I still have so much love for him, and, at least a few weeks ago, he loved me too.

I feel lost in dealing with this, to be cut from someone's life like this. I am busy myself with work, school, friends, family, etc, but I miss my best friend, too. I know I need to be my own best friend, and I am doing my best towards that end, but still, there is that bond and loss and grieving that is really hard to deal with.

I would appreciate everyone's thoughts and experience. Thanks.